MYSTERY OF THE CRYSTAL SKULLS by Chris Morton and Ceri Louise Thomas

Or: Life Is A Dream I Ate Way Too Many Fried Pickles Last Night

If you’ve ever wished there was some mystical object that could explain the paradoxes inherent in humankind, the universe, and existence itself, seek no longer. Crystal skulls will heal your soul and the planet at the same time.

The legend: thirteen life-size crystal skulls exist on planet earth. They are made from solid chunks of quartz crystal and bear no marks of modern carving tools. They are extraordinarily ancient – possibly sacred Mayan artifacts, created over many generations by gently exfoliating with sand and/or human hair.

Or: Our ancestors were Neanderthal Atlanteans (as in the lost island of Atlantis) but before the island went under, extra-terrestrials came down to earth and created a hybrid Alien/Neanderthal. Which is us. Homo sapiens. The aliens left the new race with (at least) thirteen crystal skulls containing the genetic coding for Homo sapiens as well as just about all the information that there is or ever will be.

So either way, two or three of these skulls have turned up and maybe they’re a hoax and maybe they’re the real thing. Some psychics claim to be able to use them to channel ancient spirits and stuff, but no one really knows how to gain full access to the deep stores of esoteric knowledge. In all versions of the story, when the thirteen come together –  which can and will only happen at the perfect preordained time – all of their information will be released and everything will be restored to its natural order and everyone will live in hippie peace communes in the jungle.

This book is structured to draw you in, so that at the beginning you are appropriately skeptical but open, as the authors apparently are. By the end, though, you’re right there with them, like, yeah, I bet those crystal skulls really did come from the twelve power planets and contain not only the history but the future and salvation of humanity and maybe even the entire intergalactic community!

It would be all too easy to disregard this completely, but I’m never one to take the easy path, and after all, if we close our minds we pretty much might as well be dead. There is plenty of stuff in the world that we modern humans can’t figure out or have forgotten, or never knew. I mean, the Komodo dragon wasn’t even verifiably ‘discovered’ until 1926.

Also, one can’t help but consider some of the unlikely and extraordinary technology that has developed on planet earth, coincidentally (?) since these skulls have begun to be discovered. Take the Walkman for one example. I’m supposed to blindly accept the fact that someone just came up, a way for me to listen to ‘hearts of space’ cassettes while walking, and also came up with the ingenious name for this device. Walkman. Walk. Man. So lasting is the charm of this moniker that we still use it today. Oh yeah, sure, some guy just thought of all that. With no help whatsoever from aliens or interstellar technology locked inside an ancient skull made completely of one solid chunk of quartz crystal bearing absolutely no sign of having been carved by human hands or tools. Okay.

Recommendations for reading:

Soundtrack – the history channel on low

Setting – Mayan ruins

Mood – insatiable curiosity/gullibility