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July 21, 2015

My Heart to Heart with Pluto

Yo, Pluto! What the fuck is up? Nice to see you again, man. You must be riding high right now. Finally getting your 15 minutes. I always told you it would come – you gotta have faith in me. The entire Planet Earth is talking about you, motherfucker!  

What? Well, no. no…I don’t really think you’ll be “reinstated” as a Planet, but man, people love you. You’re all the rage! NASA spent a ton of time and money on this, no joke, and now we’re finally getting to know you better. You had that beautiful portrait taken and now your mug is all over The Internet and in the magazines. I even got your image as wallpaper on my laptop.Yeah, of course I remember when you got demoted. God, I felt so bad for you. It was like, thanks for being a planet for seventy five years Pluto, but statistics indicate that you’re no longer needed. You’re not being fired so much as just downsized. Bullshit. You got a raw deal.

I know how hard that must have been. I get it, Pluto, I was that wimpy kid in the back of the room too. You’re not even that tiny – so what if you're smaller than Earth's moon? You have enough mass to have how many moons of your own? Yeah, FIVE. Now that's gravitas. And you look totally badass flanked by that crew.  Need I remind you that you are named after the god of the fucking Underworld? Who’s gonna fuck with that? Ain’t nobody gonna fuck with that.

Besides, it's not like you’re totally out the door or anything, you just got a new title. Dwarf Planet. See? Still a planet! I know, I know, the dwarf qualifier is maybe in poor taste but it sure as shit beats Asteroid or Space Debris for christ’s sake. And let’s face it you don’t always act like a big grown up planet. Oh, you know what I mean, don’t be coy. You know that thing where your orbit crosses Neptune’s orbit… no, no, I agree with you – genius IS often unconventional, but I mean there are some things you just don’t do.

I can’t believe you’re still hung up on that shit anyway. What’s in a name? You’re still you, man. Can’t you just enjoy right now? This is a fucking epic come back. I’m serious, you’re not just some flavor of the week here. You’re the real deal.  You're really burning bright. I’ve always believed in you Pluto, you got a big heart, kid. I’m so, so proud of you.




Thanks a Bunch!

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Comments

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Hahahaha this is the greatest shit I've ever read. That will be all.
Comment By: Kaylin2 years ago 
Hey, love the products and the daily q
Comment By: Quinlynn2 years ago 
I just love your products! Carol from Manchester UK
Comment By: Carol2 years ago 
Priceless! I love it! Brilliantly written!
Comment By: Molly2 years ago 
I work at NASA on the New Horizons mission and was just buying your products and saw this homage to Pluto... Love it!!!
Comment By: Tricia2 years ago 
Yeah, Pluto. What he said. You'll always be a big boy planet in my heart.
Comment By: Holly2 years ago 

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